Falling Apart
by intotheabyss23
Summary: When the wolf loses his imprint, his whole world falls apart. Can he make it through the searing pain and loss, or will he succumb to the darkness that he so desperatley craves. Paul/Bella. Story contains character death. M for Laungue, and perhaps a lemon or two in later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

The grief was burning through his veins. Like a round of chemo, it killed everything in its path, consuming his entire being, leaving him the small bed. Sobs overtook his body once more, shaking his massive form. His tears fell freely, burning hot paths feeling so sick, so exhausted, and so utterly weak. He clutched at his heart, clawing at the skin above his heart. Angry pink lines with streaks of read appeared beneath his fingertips and he dug in harder, desperately wanting to rip the infernal organ free, to rid himself of the pain, to join her again.

His stomach seized again, the taste of acid forcing its way up his throat. Too weak to move, he leaned over the bed emptying the contents of his stomach onto the wooden floor below. He wiped the bile from his cracked lips, resuming his prior position on down his russet cheeks and he wailed. Loudly, heart-wrenchingly, he wailed, unable to hold back the despair he felt at the loss of his mate.

The steel cables that once wrapped around his heart binding him to her had been so severely severed he could 'feel' the rough edges cutting deep into the infernal thing. He was numb, but he could feel her loss so strongly, so achingly. He had never been so deeply connected to someone, so in tune to another being. Staying away from that kind of attachment was a something he had perfected in his 28 years, he all but ran from any kind of commitment, until she had wormed her way into his life, into his heart, and into his very soul.

There connection was unbelievably, unfailingly strong, more so than Emily and Sam's, it scared him at first, he was so certain she would be the death of him. _Oh how wrong you were_, _so very fucking wrong. _ He shook his head violently, he needed out, out of this small stuffy room, out of this fucked up nightmare that never ended. Just out. He struggled to sit up; using every ounce of strength he possessed to do so. Slowly he swung his legs over the side of the bed not containing his vomit, and stood on shaky legs. He dragged his hand through his matted hair, suddenly aware of the fact that he hadn't bothered to wash since she… left. He walked slowly, using furniture to help him along, and made his way to the bathroom. He stripped out of his slacks, tossing them into the trash, needing them gone. He turned the shower dial all the way to hot and stepped in under the spray, closing the curtain behind him. Memories hit him with force. "_We can't do this, not here, they will hear us" she had said, blushing fiercely. "They know us babe, and I need you. Just trust me" She_ had caved, so easily and they had made love, right there in Sam and Emily's guest bathroom, in the shower, on the counter, and on the bath rug. He closed his eyes tightly, willing the memories to dissipate. But they kept on coming, like a movie flashing before him. He couldn't escape, couldn't get away, he was trapped wandering down memory lane, trapped in this never ending pain.

He woke up to the sound of the soft knock at the door. Sam. He smelled him now, however faintly. "I'm coming in" was all he heard, he didn't bother trying to argue. He just didn't have it in him.

Sam sat on the counter, wringing his hands together. Paul could smell the sadness, the anxiety, radiating off of his alpha and it hit him hard just how much everyone was struggling with this. It was almost comforting… Almost.

"I'm fine Sam. Just fell asleep is all, I'll be out in a minute." Yet he made no effort, just remained curled up on the floor of the shower.

"You've been in here for three and a half hours Paul, crying and screaming." He pulled back the curtain, knelt down at the tubs edge and turned off the water. "You're far from fine" Paul looked everywhere but at Sam, unwilling to see the pity that was undoubtedly still there. "Come on. Em's fixed beef stew. The others are gone, it's just us." His alpha stuck his hand out and Paul grasped it, thankful for the help, his legs where still shaky and he felt so ridiculously weak he doubted he would have gotten out on his own, not any time soon anyway. Sam threw a towel at him, along with some cut-offs told him he'd be right outside the door and left, the door shutting behind him with a soft click.

He dried off slowly, and dressed even slower, his body unwilling to move at anything faster than a snail's pace. He opened the door, trekked slowly over to where Sam was waiting and broke down again. Sam had cleaned up the mess he had made on the floor. "Don't worry about it brother, let's go down, try to get something else in that stomach of yours." Paul stood unmoving, caught in a moment of embarrassment, and extreme vulnerability. Sam seemed to understand and gave Paul a moment to compose himself. Paul shook his head after many moments and looked to Sam; the older man nodded a small smile gracing his face. "Let us go see Emily." Paul's stomach chose that moment to make itself known growling loudly and Sam laughed openly. The first laugh that had been heard in the days since tragedy befell them.

They made their way down to the kitchen, Paul leaning against Sam for support. Emily smiled softly at them when they entered, ushering Paul towards the table. She set a large bowl of steaming hot stew in front of him. "Eat up honey, there is plenty." She sniffled quietly and excused herself. Paul sat there feeling uncomfortable, yet thankful that he only had to endure Sam and Emily. He was certain he couldn't handle all of their sad faces, all at once, his own feelings of grief so overwhelming in and of themselves.

He ate slowly, the hot liquid easing the scratchiness of his dry throat. He briefly wondered if he would be able to keep this down, and prayed to Taha Aki that he would. He wouldn't last much longer if he kept throwing up everything he ate, and the thought struck him that maybe that wouldn't be so bad after all.

"_Don't do that, don't give up. You're stronger than that."_ He choked on his food spitting and sputtering bits of pieces of vegetables and beef all over the table. He turned wildly to look at Sam, who had a look of concern etched onto his face.

"Did you hear that?" Paul whispered to his superior

Sam shook his head slowly. "No…"

Paul's heart clenched painfully. Realistically he knew there was just absolutely no way… yet he had hoped. He slammed his fist down onto the tabletop, splintering the wood, sloshing the stew all over. Sam jumped back, unconsciously angling himself between the volatile wolf and where his mate had retreated to.

"GOD DAMNIT" Paul roared standing up forcefully, knocking the chair down in the process. He turned to Sam. "I. Heard. Her. "He ground out through clenched teeth, his breaths ragged, his face twisted, contorted in pain.

Sam stood shocked, unable to find his voice. Paul had taken him by surprise with his words, and that was a hard feat. Sam always knew what to say, and when to say it. Nothing ever took him by surprise, and certainly never left him speechless. He stuttered helplessly "P, P, Paul I don't think…" Paul cut him off with a feral snarl " . ." His voice faltered then "But I heard her, clear as day." He looked at Sam, a look of desperation and pleading.

"I heard her too"

The wolves spun around, caught off guard by the new voice. Paul lunged forward, pushing Sam out of his way and tackled baby alpha through the screen door into Sam and Emily's front yard. It was a blur of limbs, as both fought for control of the situation. Paul landed the first punch his fist connecting with Jacob's nose with a sickening crunch, a burst of blood. Paul went to hit him again when Sam caught his arm "**Paul, enough" **They were both surprised when Paul wrenched his arm free and caught Jacob again, this time in the ribs. He stood then, shoving Jake hard into the dirt. He faced Sam then his breath coming out in gasps. His hands shook and his head swam, and he was suddenly aware of what had just happened. He had disobeyed an Alpha order, something none of them had ever been able to do.

He looked between Sam and Jacob, his stomach churned. He doubled over and retched once again. He heaved and spit, his throat burning once more. "What the fuck is going on?"


	2. Chapter 2

I realized in my haste to get my new story out to y'all I completely forgot the norm first chapter A/N and such. So for the record: I do not own twilight, or any of the characters. I do not profit from this story in any way other than in my own happiness, and hopefully y'alls too. So do me a favor and leave a review

This story does contain character death, and for the most part is drenched in sadness. There will be happiness in it, so do not fret. But if you're expecting an everything is perfectly perfect, happy kind of ending. You won't find it here. You have been warned, so please don't leave a review telling me it's too sad, it's supposed to be that way.

This story is fictional, please remember that when you go to leave a review(please do) I realize the couple isn't canon and it might be ooc but that is how I've chosen to write it, I hope you are able to enjoy it that way, I sure do.

Some personal information real quick: This is Beta'd by my husband. Who has just left back out on the road for work. He works 19 hr days and is horribly exhausted when he gets to the hotel, so I really can't promise any set posting schedule, as I will not post until he has read and edited for me, but we are hoping for a once a week(on Fridays) posting schedule. If it is longer than that please bear with us.

Any who, this will be the ONLY Disclaimer. Now on to the story. Enjoy!

Falling Apart Chapter 2

They sat at the table, all silent, all unmoving. The silence was deafening, but none of them knew what to say. They were still in a state of shock. After many minutes and many sighs Jacob decided to take initiative. "Paul, have you phased since _that_ day?" Paul shook his head "I can't. I tried once, after the funeral" he choked on his words "The anger was there, the feeling was there, but nothing happened." His tears were back. "What did you mean you heard her too?" his voice was laced with despair

"I don't know. I was at the cliffs, contemplating jumping. Just to let off some steam" he clarified "And suddenly her voice was there. She told me you needed me. She should have mentioned it was a punching bag you needed" He said trying to dissipate some of the tension.

Paul offered a small smile, nothing more than that, but Jacob understood. His head dropped into his hands. "I need _her_" Paul sighed "I can't do any of this without her. Fuck we couldn't even stand to be away from each other for more than 3 hours before. It's been over a week now. The imprint broke the moment she died, I _felt_ it snap, but I still feel the same longing as before. I still feel the connection we had. That hasn't changed." He wished at that moment that the floor would open up and swallow him whole.

"We need to take this to the elders; maybe they can help us to understand. I can't imagine how hard this is for you to talk about Paul, and I wouldn't ask you to do this if I didn't think it was needed, but I'm at a loss here. I've racked my brain, searching through every tribal story and legend I ever remember hearing. I've come up with nothing; I have no answers for what is happening."

Paul simply nodded and stood from the table. "I need to go home." He offered nothing more "Please tell Emily thank you for the food. I'll fix the door and the table tomorrow." With a wave he left.

Sam sighed "Call Billy. Have him call Old Quil and the others, set up a meeting for tomorrow. That'll give Paul time to himself."

Jake pulled his phone from his pocket and pressed two on his speed dial. "_Hello Jake_" his dad's voice was filled with the same sadness they all possessed "I need you to call Old Quil and the others. Sam has requested a meeting for tomorrow." "_What's happened Jacob, is it Paul_?" "It's a clusterfuck dad, just call them please." "_You coming home tonight son_?" Jake sighed "I'll probably head to Be… Paul's. I'll come by before and help you into bed" with that he hung up.

He looked to his alpha "Do you think… He faltered 'do you think Paul's gonna make it Sam? He was barely making it before the imprint. She saved him, calmed him, and grounded him. I mean, he disobeyed an Alpha order Sam. I don't care that he did it so much as that he could do it. That's dangerous if he decided to go rouge. He could kill himself"

"I don't know Jake. I really don't, but he did say he couldn't phase, we've got that going for us at least. For now anyway" Sam had a feeling what was going on, call it a hunch, but he wanted to talk to the elders first before he voiced his concerns.

The phone rang, and Emily decided to make her presence known again. "_Hello_" "Em. Need Sam."

Emily held the phone out for her husband, mouthed Paul, urgent.

"What is it Paul?"

"I heard her again. She told me she hasn't left; she's still here, that I just need to look, really hard." He sobbed at the end. "I've got to find her Sam, she's out there somewhere and she needs me."

"Paul, listen to me, you saw her, and you held her. You told me yourself you felt the imprint break as soon as she died. Listen to what you are saying for a minute. She's gone. I'm sorry. I can't imagine how you are feeling, and I hate that you are suffering. I wish I could take all your pain and all your grief brother, I swear I do, but, Bella is dead. If you did hear… he shook his head 'she was probably telling you to look inside yourself, your heart, and your soul, where her memory will always live on. She'd want you to know that. She'd want you to remember her, to remember what y'all had. To never forget the good times y'all shared." When the silence on the other end of the phone stretched on for minutes Sam decided he might have just put the proverbial nail in the coffin "Look Paul, just hold still, we'll be there in a minute." He hung up the phone and turned to Jacob looking for confirmation that he too had heard what there pack mate was saying.

"He's losing it" Jacob simply stated. "It's as bad as I thought."

Sam sighed raking his hand through his cropped black hair. He walked into the living room where Emily sat silently crying. He pulled her into his arms smoothing her hair from her face. He kissed her forehead and pulled back "It'll be okay Emily. We'll figure this all out. We won't lose him too." She hiccupped and nodded pulling him back in for a reassuring hug. "We're going to head over to Paul's get him sorted out, and then I'm going to go talk with Billy, this can't wait until tomorrow. I love you." "Love you too Sam. Take care of him please. Bella wouldn't want him doing this to himself."

Sam left with a last glance at his mate, thinking to himself how fucked up he'd be right now if he was in Paul's position. He closed the back door and paused looking up at the sky "Bella, if you can hear me. I'll do everything I can for him. I promise."


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I hope there are still some of you out there reading this, and I hope, however sad it is, you are still enjoying it. I wanted to take the time to thank those of you who have favorited and followed my story, it means so much to me, and I so greatly appreciate it. My husband says his hellos and says to remind you that he puts in hard work too. Lol.

If there are any of you that are about to give up on me, for my lack of happy, please DON'T. Stick with it. I WILL have flashback scenes of pure happiness and lemons…? I can't give too much away but please don't give up just yet.

Falling Apart Chapter 3

Paul was pacing on his front porch, quickly losing his patience. His Bella was out there and she had told him to look for her. Hadn't she? He was confused. He had heard her, her voice was clear, and to him so was her message. "_I haven't left you. I'm still here. Just look really hard and you will find me" _he was so certain of the meaning, until he spoke with Sam. And Sam did have a point. He had seen her, held her rapidly cooling body in his embrace, wrapping himself so tightly around her, hoping to all hell that somehow his warmth would seep into her and she would wake. It was to no avail of course. She was gone, had been for some time, he just couldn't bring himself to let her go. He had begged the Gods that night, prayed, for the first time in his life, that if they would just bring her back, he would willingly take her place. The Gods seemed to think that wasn't good enough and they took her from him. It was unexpected; there were no signs, no symptoms, she was there and then she wasn't, and there was nothing Paul could do about it.

"Paul" he whipped his head around to see Sam and Jake walking from the forest into his yard. He snarled at them for interrupting his morbid thoughts. Jake and Sam stood staring at each other, at Paul and then back at each other, unsure of what to say, of how to approach the subject which had them all so damn puzzled. They could easily smell the plethora of emotions rolling off their brother, something they expected given the situation, but something that made this all the more difficult. Jake shot a look at Sam silently asking him for permission to start this dreaded conversation.

"Let's start with what we know, and work our way through it from there." He paused steeling his nerves "I heard her too, so we can obviously rule out the 'Paul's just not in his right mind' bullshit theory." Jake turned his hesitant gaze on Paul "She said she was here, that you just had to look for her?" The grief stricken man nodded "Paul, I think Sam was right. I mean.' He dropped his voice to a whisper 'We b, b,buried her just 3 days ago. "

"You think I don't fucking know that Jake. I _feel_ it! My body aches, everywhere, every fucking where. I can't eat without throwing back up, I harbor a constant headache. I have a movie reel playing in my head at all times, of every moment we ever shared. She was my imprint Black. Mine. So stop serving me reminders about her being gone. I know she's gone. _I_ found her_. I_ held her. I am _more_ than aware of her absence." He paused, it was all becoming too much "I just thought…maybe… I mean we turn into wolves, there are vampires, I guess I was just foolishly hoping maybe some supernatural voodoo shit could bring her back to me.." he hung his head in defeat. "I'm not, I can't… she's all I had"

Watching their most temperamental brother in such a state of vulnerability was something he had seen-to a degree- a handful of times, since Bella had come into the picture. While she had calmed him, she had also brought forth his baser instincts. Paul was far from lying when he said they couldn't be away from each other for longer than 3 hours. They would both get edgy around 2, by 2 ½ Bella would be hyperventilating, and Paul would be foaming at the mouth, overcome with fear. By 3 they were both uncontrollable and God help anybody who dared stand in their way from getting to each other. Sam rubbed his shoulder in remembrance. Seeing him like this, so lost and broken was a completely different story. Before, Bella had always been there to calm him, to bring him back down to reality, to soothe his fears. Now, as Sam stood watching Paul's weeping dejected form he feared for him and he feared for the future of the pack.

In a last second decision Sam ran up to Paul, shoving him hard in the shoulder. "You never deserved her Paul; she's better off without you, even if it means she's dead." Paul charged at Sam but remained human, Sam phased wolf and took off back towards the woods, and Jake picked up where he left off. "She should have been with me. Everyone thought it, even Bella, she was just too afraid to say anything. She was scared of you" Jake felt sick, as he watched Paul drop to his knees and then to his side, writhing in pain. He was snarling and crying, his whole body trembling, but still, he remained human. Each gasp of breathe made Jacob's stomach churn and he yelled for Sam, panicked.

"Sam's he's, he's, FUCK!" Sam stood watching, shocked, that same feeling of nausea creeping slowly up his spine. He knelt down by Paul placing his hand on his forehead. "He's burning up Jake. Call Old Quil, if anyone will know what to do, it will be him." He pushed the hair from Paul's eyes "We didn't mean it Paul, I swear it. We were trying to push a phase, nothing more. Bella loved you, only you. She wasn't scared, she was very happy with you, she told me constantly. I'm so sorry brother" Paul answered with an ear-splitting, heart-wrenching wail that pierced right through Sam's heart.

A/N I apologize for the shortness but Mr. Great told me I had to end it there. So… Blame him


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Mr. Great's work has picked up even more; he's expected to pull 93 hours this week. So my updates will probably slow down. Please don't worry I have chapter 5&6 written, they are just waiting on him to get to. This story will not be put on hiatus, I will finish it, it just might take a little longer than we expected. Please bear with us. As always I hope you are enjoying the story, I apologize for the shortness of the chapters, but they just seem to end themselves, even when I'm not quite ready to be finished.

Warning: There is some lovin' in this chapter. It's very low key, not extremely graphic (that's the way I write them, I hope you aren't too incredibly disappointed) but still, if you are not 18 or older, please skip to the page break, this chapter opens up with a lemon.

Leave a review please. They make our day!

Falling Apart Chapter 4

He ran his hand through her silky brown tresses, tucking a loose strand behind her ear. He gently cupped her face with his massive hands, pulling her face up to look at him; He kissed her nose, her cheeks, her chin, and finally her perfectly plump lips. His hands moved at a slow pace, down her neck, to the tops of her arms, his thumbs lightly brushing the sides of her breasts, eliciting a soft throaty moan that ghosted across his lips, sending a pleasurable shiver down his spine.

He continued his exploration of her body, committing every curve, every scar, everything about her petite body to memory. He dragged his fingertips down her sides, tickling her sensitive skin, he paused at her hips grasping lightly, and he pulled her ever closer. She squeaked against him and he pulled back from her lips, smiling softly "You're so fucking beautiful." She blushed fiercely, a habit she hadn't been able to quit, even after spending 3 years in his arms, being loved and worshipped.

The scent of her lust hit him like a ton of bricks. He attacked her neck, kissing, nibbling, and sucking greedily. He could never get enough of her, he'd never tire of tasting her kiss, of pleasing her, and loving her in this most intimate of ways. He picked her up and she wrapped her legs around him tightly, grinding her jean clad center against his straining member.

"Couch" she muttered breathlessly

"Yes ma'am" he walked them over to the couch and lowered her onto the cushions

"Take off your shirt" he instructed "I want to see you" She complied, easily, readily tossing the garment on the floor.

A fire burned deep within him, a fire only she had ever been able to ignite. He made quick work of his cut-offs letting them fall where he stood and watched as she lifted her hips shimmying out of her skin tight jeans.

"Oh baby" he moaned deeply "no panties?"

"Just the way you like it babe." Her voice lowered into a sinful whisper "I need you, now. Make love to me Paul" Happy to oblige the request he lowered himself onto her, entering her with one quick thrust. They both groaned as he filled her so completely. "God I missed you Bella"

He set a quick pace and brought his mouth back to hers swallowing her moans as he slid in and out of her dripping wet heat. He braced himself with one arm and grabbed her hip with the other, pulling her impossibly closer, hitting her impossibly deeper.

Her moans turned to passionate cries and she clawed at his back. He ripped his mouth from hers, "look at me beautiful" her eyes shot open and bore into his with a fierce intensity he'd never tire from seeing " let go baby, come for me" Instantaneously her body began quivering beneath him and her face flushed deep red. She moved her hands gripping his shoulders tightly and came unglued, her walls clamping down impossibly tight on his throbbing member, milking him, coaxing forth his own orgasm. He came hard, shooting his hot seed deep into her womb. He collapsed on top of her utterly spent and nuzzled her neck. "Oh Bella"

FAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAF

He awoke with a start, the happiness he felt only moments before in his dream, was gone and he suddenly felt like he had come down with the flu. His body was aching, every muscle felt stretched to capacity, his bones felt as if they had been snapped and grown back incorrectly. His stomach felt disgustingly empty, his mouth was so incredibly dry, and his heart was so painfully heavy. His dream left him feeling so very alone, and he ached so desperately for her touch.

He missed her so fucking much. There just weren't enough words to describe the complete emptiness he felt at her loss. No way for anyone to really understand the violent way his emotions crept up on him, unannounced, tearing through him like a raging sickness. He had tried explaining to Sam and Jake that he just couldn't do this without her. Tried explaining that… it didn't matter, she was gone, and he was left to endure this storm alone.

"Paul..." Sam called through the door "Can I come in?"

He wanted to say no, the words his alpha and Jake had shouted at him, still burned in his mind and hurt, whether they were true or not they fucking hurt and he wanted nothing more than to never see them again. But, he wanted answers, and he was certain Sam had them.

"Come in Sam" The door creaked open slowly and Sam came in seating himself on the edge of the bed

"I'm sorry for the way things went down Paul, I regret saying what I did, but it has lead us to some answers. Still, I'm very sorry for what I said, what Jake said I can't imagine...

"No you can't Sam, you can't imagine, you never will" Hatred laced his voice "Just tell me what you found out and get the hell out of my house."

"Simple version, your wolf is dying." He paused a few moments to let that sink in for both him and Paul, "Old Quil is very concerned, our history shows that when an imprint dies the man dies too. Yet it would seem that you are proving us wrong. It's been a week, you are still living, if only barely, but your inability to phase, your inability to keep food down, your ability to disobey a command, it all points towards your wolf dying."

Paul's breath left him in a whoosh "You're telling me that the only two things about me that ever made any sense are both being ripped from me?"

Sam stared at Paul for a long time "Don't think of it like that. Maybe this is a good thing, you don't have any wolfy obligations anymore, and you're free to leave the reservation, free to go anywhere, to start over"

Paul shook his head vehemently "I. Am. Not. Leaving."

Sam sighed "I figured you'd say that. Look I get that all your memories of Bella are here, your home, the land, everything. I get it, but I don't think that it's going to do you any good to sit here and wallow. Bella wouldn't want that Paul. She'd want you to live. For her. She wouldn't want you to give up, she wouldn't want you to sit here and torture yourself. There is nothing wrong with remembering, there is nothing wrong with holding onto the good. I realize it's only been a week, and healing comes with time, but staying here, I don't think it'll be good for you."

"Let me decide what will be good for me Uley. You don't get it. Being here is the ONLY thing keeping me from completely losing it. You don't understand, you can't. Your imprint is still alive, I am grateful for that, but mine is not. My imprint is dead. My 'steel cables' were severed; my life was ripped from me the moment she died. But all my memories are here. Our house still smells like her, and it's comforting to me. If I left now, next month, next year, I would die, of that I am certain. I have to hold on; I have to stay here, surrounded by what is left of her. " he paused blinking his eyes to keep the tears at bay "I don't quite understand it all myself, I'm confused as fuck, I mean my imprint died, and you tell me I should have too, yet here I am. Maybe this is some test, maybe this is some fucked up alternate universe, maybe I'm already dead and this is my hell. Whatever the reason, whatever the cause, there is one thing I am certain of and that is that I need to stay here."

Sam smiled at Paul and laid a hand on his shoulder "I'll support you, with whatever decision you make Paul. You're still my brother and she was still my sister. We'll figure this all out together. But, you have to promise me Paul, that you won't give up, and if it does become too much that you will leave, wherever you are whatever you do Bella would understand, she wouldn't want you to stay somewhere that only served to hurt you."

Paul nodded and let the tears flow. He turned into Sam as the sobs overcame him for the hundredth time that week, and he let go, allowing himself this bit of comfort his brother provided. He didn't know what would come next, where he would end up, but he promised himself and he promised Bella that he wouldn't give up.

A/N: This chapter was originally twice as long as this, but Mr. Great and I decided it was best if it was split into two chapters. Hope you are all still enjoying this story. Let me know in a review!

Love to you all

-Mrs. great


	5. Chapter 5

A/N I am going to tackle the grieving process in this chapter.

FIRST AND FOREMOST: I want everyone to know that I know and completely understand that everyone grieves differently. So please if you don't agree with something I said keep in mind that there might be someone who does, and it is not our place to judge.

SECOND I am writing this from my own experience of loss, I can't explain it all here, I just can't, but this story is my way of unloading my own grief, by writing this story I am forced to face my own grief and loss and it helps.  
>I tell you all this, so as not to offend anybody who might be reading and might be grieving, I did not write this to try and force my beliefs and ways of grieving on anyone else. I am all too familiar with how grief manifests and shows itself differently in each individual, and I respect that. <p>

On another note, if anyone is grieving for any reason, or if you are just going through a tough time and would like someone to talk to, I am all ears. You can pm me and I will get back to you as soon as possible. I promise to respond.

Paul trudged his way through the mud to Sam and Emily's. His talk with Sam the day prior had served a great purpose and he woke this morning feeling lighter than he had all week. The feelings of loss and despair and emptiness where all still there, but they weren't overbearing as they had been the past few days, it bothered him to a degree, but he attributed it to the promise he made to Bella. _I won't give up baby. I swear I won't._ He was going to live, to honor her memory; she deserved that, at the very least, for all she did for him.

He walked right into Sam and Em's without a knock. Emily's soft smile greeted him as he entered the kitchen. "Have some muffins Paul, she handed him a basket with blueberry, banana nut, and poppy seed muffins "eggs and bacon are in the microwave, help yourself." She smiled again and walked towards the living room, leaving Paul to fend for himself.

He grabbed a plate from the cabinet and loaded it down with eggs and bacon, adding one blueberry muffin. He walked to the living room sat his plate down on the coffee table and jogged back into the kitchen to retrieve a fork. Sitting down on the couch he began eating. He soon sat his plate down unable to finish it all and sighed turning towards Sam and Emily, who were cuddled up on the love seat to the left of him. His heart skipped a beat, and the pain was back full-force again. Every memory he had of Bella and himself on that love seat invaded his mind, and he was stuck within them, watching helplessly as they played. When he told her about the imprint, when they shared their first kiss, when they first fell asleep together, when he asked her to marry him, it had all happened right there, on that love seat, it was their "spot" as she so named it.

He dropped his head into his hands, trying to get control of his breathing, in, out, in…out…

He vaguely felt the small arms wrap him in a hug "Paul… Paul I am so sorry honey, we didn't think, well we thought it might be harder for you to sit there, but we didn't think about how hard it might be for you to see us sitting there" Emily was hugging him, apologizing and he suddenly felt guilty.

"Em, no, it's your house, you sit were you want. I'm sorry. I just didn't expect to… I didn't expect… It just all hit me at once." He finished dejectedly swallowing past the lump in his throat

"Shh" she soothed him "These things will happen, and they almost always sneak up on you like that. Grieving is tricky; no two people do it the same way. What works for one person might not work for another. Some shut themselves off and push others away; then there are those who can't stand to be alone. Some cry now, some cry later. Others scream, and then others prefer to sit in silence. Some people see things that set them off, and then there are those who shut down when they hear a certain song. Some people do it all." She paused and pulled back from Paul and lifted his head to look at him "There is no real right or wrong way. So never apologize for how you grieve, everyone does it in their own way. You have to grieve first, the healing will come after."

She stood and quickly walked away back towards the kitchen, sniffling quietly as she went. Sam looked at Paul for a moment and followed after Emily, his own tears shining in his dark eyes.

Paul closed his eyes and inhaled deeply trying to keep the tenuous hold he had on his breathing. His mind was racing, trying to absorb the words Emily had spoken. He had heard it all before, even read it in one of the books on grief he had received from Kim, but hearing it from Emily somehow it was more sincere, he actually considered it all, and saw the truth and meaning behind the words. It didn't make it any easier, he didn't suddenly feel better, the weight of the pain and loss was still very much there, but he understood a little better. Understood that right now, he might have moments of relief, like this morning, and there would be moments like just minutes before. He understood that eventually the days might get better, and the moments of good might last longer, but that the extreme, uncontrollably emotional moments had a way of creeping up on you, even if you have a series of better moments. It scared him, the unpredictability of it all.

He opened his eyes slowly and stood from the couch jogging past the love seat and out into the back yard. He breathed deeply inhaling the scent of the woods, the salt from the sea. He leaned his back against a tree, sliding down until he rested against the forest floor. His mind still pondered Emily's words and his own revelation. He struggled with it all. It couldn't be so… so simple.

_You don't want it to be simple. You've been fighting everything your whole life. _

"I'm not fighting anything" he yelled out

_You are fighting. Grieving is not simple, no but accepting that fact is. You have to accept that you can't control it. You can't call it names or beat it into submission. You can't kill it. It's there, it's a part of you, and you can't force it to go the way you want. _

He swore under his breath, her voice was so damned real.

"Then what am I supposed to do Bella? He choked over her name "When it's bad it's fucking bad, the feelings are too intense, and I've never been good with emotions, everyone knows that. But when it hits me it's so… violent, and I Can't Handle It. I don't want to."

_Don't fight it baby, let it happen. It will get better, but first it has to get worse._

"Don't quote that bullshit at me. Not you. You're… gone, what do you know about grief? How do you know it gets worse before it gets better?"

_I am gone, you're right…_

"That's it 'I am you're right'?"

_I am gone Paul, but_ _It grieves me to see you this way... But it will get better. Don't fight against the grief; don't push it away no matter how hard it gets, no matter how violently the emotions slice through you. Fight with it, accept that it's going to happen and you can't change it. It will be hard. But pushing it away will only prologue you're pain and misery._

"I don't know if I can do this."

_You can. You're a fighter you're just fighting the wrong thing. Fight your way through this, not against it, and then the bad really won't be so bad, or so intense._

"I love you Bella. God I love you"

_I love you back._

He said nothing more, her words of love wrapping around him like a blanket of comfort, and he closed his eyes savoring the moment, hallucination or not, he heard her voice '_I love you back'_ she had said, and with those words he found some semblance of peace. He soon fell asleep, leaning against a tree, in Sam and Emily's back yard, and it was the most peaceful sleep he had had in days.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I hope you all don't hate me yet. Hopefully this chapter will help. It's a flashback scene, a happy one, with only a hint of sadness.

Much love and appreciation to all my followers, my Favoriters, Reviewers and those who sent PM's, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.

There is a lemon in this chapter, subdued as before; I hope it is enough to satisfy all my readers. I have marked the lemon with FAFAFAFA, for any of you who do not wish to read it.

Her breath was coming in shallow pants; her body was drenched in sweat. She laughed; a full, deep belly laugh and he smiled at her. His beautiful wife. His mate.

"You realize this is our honeymoon I just made love with you and you're laughing. That's not doing a thing for my ego Mrs. Lahote." He nuzzled her neck kissing and nibbling his way to her ear. "I love you" he whispered

She turned in his arms facing him completely "I was just thinking, that I should have gone naked just like you said." She laughed again "My dress is in pieces, what was the point of even wearing it in the first place"

"Are you admitting that I, Paul Lahote was in fact right about something?"

She giggled and pressed a kiss against his chest "Maybe just this once"

He kissed the top of her head and pulled her against him "I'll always remember this moment. I'll savor it forever"

"Of course you will Paul," She replied with a chuckle.

He shook his head "No, Bella." he pulled back and took her face in his hands lifting it so her eyes were level with his "This moment, you, me, here. We're married. Forever, you and me"

She brushed her lips lightly against his "You're stuck with me Paul Lahote. I'm not going anywhere and that's just something you'll have to deal with" She reached her hand behind his neck and pulled his face to hers, their foreheads resting against each others. "I love you so much"

He sighed in contentment and ghosted his lips across hers. "I never thought I'd be here; married to someone who knows everything about me and still chooses to love me. I'm not good with this emotion thing Bella, but God; you've made me the happiest man in the world. I don't know where I'd be without you, and I know it hasn't been the easiest thing in the world, being with me, but thank you."

"It hasn't been the easiest thing I've ever done, but it's the only thing I'd fight so hard to have. I'm here Paul. I know what this is, and I want you to stop. You're_ not _him. We fight, yes, but I would not have married you if I thought you were anything like that man. You are Paul, and I am Bella. And we are here on our honeymoon and I for one intend to take complete advantage of that fact, and of you."

FAFAFAFAFAFAFAFA

She pressed her lips to his, letting her tongue sneak out between her teeth and licked his lips lightly. His lips parted and he sucked her tongue gently into his mouth massaging hers with his own. Her hand moved from his neck, over his collar bone and eventually down his side and around to his back. She touched him lightly, with only her fingertips ghosting across his heated flesh, leaving goose bumps in their wake. He broke their kiss, a sigh escaping his lips. He stared into Bella's eyes and was overwhelmed with the emotions swirling within them.

Without breaking his gaze he moved his body atop hers and slid into her slowly, until he was enveloped so completely in her silken heat. He moved tortuously slow and she sighed, wrapping her legs around his back, her heels gently digging into his buttocks.

He bent down and captured her lips in a searing kiss, swallowing her throaty moans. His pace quickened and she moved her hips to meet his every thrust. He kissed, touched, and caressed every inch of her soft skin that he could reach. "I love you Paul" her whispered words wrapped around his heart and he moaned happily. "I love you Bella." Her breathing became more erratic and the sounds of her moans filled the room, urging him on. She raked her nails down his back as her walls clamped down around him tightly and she cried out "Oh…Oh Paul."

He gathered her in his arms and sat up, still within her, and leaned back, his heels resting on his buttocks. He grasped her hips and she clung tightly to his shoulders, as he lifted her and brought her back down with gentle force. Using his shoulders she lifted herself and set a steady rhythm, moans and sighs escaping her parted lips. She threw her head back as the fire curled in her belly, slowly spreading throughout her body. He buried his face in her neck, kissing and sucking gently and she came unglued a cry of his name tore from her throat and he pumped into her once, twice, and a third time before reaching his own climax, shuddering he spilled his life into her.

FAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFA

They lay in bed after, in a comfortable silence with Bella resting her head on his chest. He turned his head and placed a kiss on her forehead. "I'll never get enough of this Paul. " She whispered and then with a giggle she added "I regret not doing this sooner. I can't believe I ever turned you down."

"I'm glad you did" he replied a small smile playing on his lips. "It's well worth waiting for. You're perfect." She blushed and he laughed "How you could possibly be embarrassed now is beyond me"

She slapped him lightly on the chest "I'm _not _embarrassed. I'm just not used to people complimenting me on my ability in the bedroom is all. You are my first, remember?"

He stifled a laugh at her words and offered her a big smile instead "Well expect many compliments from me Bella. You're perfect, in every way… and you're ability in the bedroom is included in that perfectness. Believe it or not, you've taught me so much of what it means to_ be_ with a person so completely." He hesitated a moment before continuing "Before you, I took sex for granted; it was just something I did to pass the time. I didn't associate it with love; I just saw it as a release." He paused when she sat up and away from him grabbing the sheet and wrapping it around herself.

"Don't get upset, I'm trying to explain something here." He said a hint of anger in his tone

"I'm not upset about the fact that you've had sex with other people Paul, I'm upset that you chose our honeymoon to talk about it."

He sighed and ran a hand over his face and sat up against the headboard. "Hey" he said softly, his momentary anger forgotten "look at me" She turned and looked at him and he opened his arms smiling only slightly when she scooted her way into them. He wrapped her in his arms and brought her into his lap. She laid her head against his shoulder and he stroked her hair softly, smoothing it away from her face. "I'm not telling you this now to hurt you, or upset you, I want you to understand something Bella." She only nodded her head in response.

"Before you" he started again, choosing his words carefully. "I didn't know love. I was surrounded by hate and it was all I knew. I let that hate consume me and control me. I turned to sex as a release, and I hated myself for it. I was no better than him, just using people. But the selfish part of me couldn't stop, if only in those moments, I felt wanted, and at the time it was something I had never felt before, and I was afraid to lose that… And then you came crashing into my life. I was scared of the imprint. I was scared I would fail you. I didn't know how to love somebody, and I was certain nobody would ever, could ever, love me. But you did, you loved me, despite everything, you loved me, flaws and all. And you taught me, what love really is." He sighed against her hair "I hate that you weren't my first. I hate that there were others. I hate it Bella. But everything we've ever done is a first for me. I've never loved another in such a way. Only you, only ever you."

She sniffled against him and spoke quietly "Why are you bringing this up now Paul?"

He looked down at her and brought his hand to her cheek stroking her cheekbone with the pad of his thumb wiping away a few stray tears "I'm telling you because I want you to understand. You're my first too. That's how I see it anyway. I didn't know how to love… _you_ taught me how. Our first time together was a first for me too, for the first time in my life I made love to someone, and for the first time in my life I was loved, and it was and remains the most intensely amazing experience, every time. So never doubt your sexual abilities. It's more than just what feels good, and you taught me that. Your abilities far surpass my own." He smiled down at her and she returned the smile before pressing her lips to his. She kissed him hungrily and he groaned against her mouth

"Hey Paul… Let's go again…"

A/N: So I know that Paul is way OOC but I wanted him to be that way in this chapter. I wanted to show the reason behind his grief. I wanted to show this man, who loved his woman more than anything. That Paul is the one who grieves so deeply, because he loved her so deeply. I hope that explains what I was trying to do. I've seen rough and tough Paul a million times, and I love those stories, I mean who doesn't love a bad guy? Lol. But I wanted to see loving, vulnerable- emotion besides just anger- Paul. I hope I conveyed it well.

Love to All!


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Hello my lovely readers. First I want to thank everyone who took the time to review, favorite, follow and PM me.

I wanted to clear a few things up just in case any of y'all were wondering about where this story is headed. I know the story has started off slow, and hasn't had any kind of set schedule for flashbacks and present day. I meant for it to be this way. Sticking with the theme -GRIEF- I didn't want to form any clear pattern, of his good and bad days, or good and bad memories. In my experience grieving is such an unpredictable and erratic thing. I was trying to convey that with my unset pattern of chapters. Second, it is heading in a very certain direction, it isn't just a collection of drabbles, it is all heading somewhere. In fact, the ending has already been written.

There is a small time jump in this chapter. I'm trying to move things along, but I don't want to do it too quickly.

Now I hope that clears some things up, and I hope I still have some readers after all I've put y'all through.

Song in this Chapter belongs to Death Cab for Cutie I do not own it, I just borrowed it. All credit belongs to them. I give my thanks to them for the song.

Love of Mine Someday You Will Die

But I'll be Close Behind

I'll Follow You into the dark

No Blinding Light or Tunnels to Gates of white

Just our Hands Clasped so Tight

Waiting for a Hint of the Spark

If Heaven and Hell Decided They are Satisfied

Illuminate the No's on their Vacancy Signs

If There's No one Beside You When Your Soul Embarks

Then I'll follow you into The Dark

(1 month after Bella's death)

The song echoed through the house, bringing a small smile to his face. It had been one of Bella's favorites. One she listened to repeatedly, meaning of course that he listened to it multiple times as well.

He recalled the look on her face each time she listened to it, her chocolate eyes always glistening with tears when it was over. He never understood why she would want to listen to a song so often, when it always served to make her cry. "They're happy tears" she would always tell him "It's such a beautiful love story" He thought it to be a bit morbid and told her as much "It's not just a song about death Paul, it's about loving someone so much that you want to be with them always, even after death."

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. He understood _now. _He wanted nothing more than to be with her. But was resigned to the fact that it wouldn't happen, for some reason he didn't follow in the footsteps of his ancestors and die along with his imprint. It was unheard of, and no one could really figure out why it happened this way now.

He told himself it was because of Bella, there was something here she needed him to do. Whatever it was he was still unsure of, but it kept him going. He was coping.

With no more patrols or mandatory pack meetings, he now spent his days at home, passing his time with his woodwork. After crafting Sam and Emily a new table, he had requests from others around the tribe, and it felt good to work, to keep his hands busy, and his mind occupied.

But there were times like now, when he was just too tired to do much of anything.

It wasn't a bad day, per se. He was just exhausted, mentally, emotionally and physically drained.

He stood from his spot on the couch and walked over to the radio pressing the stop button for the CD player and turning it off.

He walked to the kitchen and grabbed some stuff from the fridge to fix himself a sandwich. He was halfway through eating it when a knock sounded on his front door. He stood from the table and slowly made his way over to the door, unlocking it and pulling it open.

"Hey Paul" Jared grinned from the doorway and Paul opened the door wider, gesturing for his friend to come in.

"Help yourself to anything in the fridge. I know you're hungry" Paul closed the door and made his way back over to his sandwich.

Jared whooped and made his way over to the fridge pulling out various items. He sat down across from Paul minutes later his plate loaded down with everything from bagels and cream cheese to pizza to leftover instant mashed potatoes.

They ate in silence for awhile before Jared paused long enough to speak without his mouthful "How're you doing Paul?" He asked his longtime friend.

"Rough one today" He replied with no explanation.

"Your rough ones seem to be better than before" Jared commented before shoveling another forkful of potatoes in his mouth. Paul only nodded and pushed himself back from the table, standing and carrying his empty plate to the sink.

He stood at the sink for a moment staring out the small window above it and struggled to breath. In. Out. In. Out. He reminded himself, and coaxed his body to follow his command.

"I've wanted to stop by sooner, but I didn't want to bother you. I'll admit too that I didn't know quite what to say and something tells me that you're tired of hearing I'm sorry"

Paul chuckled softly and turned to face his friend. "Yea, yea I am." He paused for a moment "Thanks. You know. For not saying it"

Jared shrugged and moved his way over to the sink, stepping around Paul to rinse his plate and set it down in the sink. He turned and clapped his hand on Paul's shoulder. "Come to first beach with me. Throw the ball around. Kim's having a girl day with Emily and I miss my friend."

Paul walked away from Jared shaking his head vehemently "No" he said firmly "We can throw the ball here but no beach." Jared sighed but acquiesced "Is it still in the closet?" Paul nodded and Jared ran down the hall to retrieve it from the spacious hall closet. He tossed the ball to Paul on his way towards the door.

Paul followed slowly behind him momentarily regretting his agreement to play. But he missed his friend too, and it would do him some good to get some exercise.

They threw the ball back and forth for an hour both racing around the front yard trying to confuse the other.

"Hey mind if we join?" Paul heard from somewhere behind him. He turned to find Sam, Jake, Quil and Embry walking towards them. He threw the Ball to Sam as an answer. "We want Embry on our team"

A/N: What a weird place to end a chapter I know. I also know this is sort of a filler, and rather short but it's needed to move things smoothly along. I hope y'all enjoyed. Let me know what you thought in a review.

As always  
>Much Love to All<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Not much to say about this chapter except it jumps time a little bit again.

Thank You to all of my readers, reviewers, favoriters, followers and Pmer's. You all mean so much to me. Thank you all for your support of my story.

Oh yea… Small lemon in this chapter, okay not a lemon but a scene of masturbation, it's not meant to be an arousing scene, or anything like that, it's actually rather sad if you ask me. If you have no interest in reading it, or are not old enough to read it, I have it marked with FAFAFA so you can just scroll past it.

1 Month after the football game:

The friends made a weekly thing of the football game, all agreeing to meet every Saturday at Paul's house. It was currently Friday and Paul had just finished with a new table for Billy Black. With Jake no longer living at home, the old man decided he wanted to downsize. He stepped back to admire his work and was shocked when he heard her voice. It was the first time in weeks.

"_It's beautiful Paul. I'm so proud of you"_

He clutched at his chest and squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head trying to will the voice away, he just couldn't deal with it right now.

"_Do you want me to stop talking to you?" _Her voice sounded pained and Paul shook his head once more

"God no" He managed to choke out between breaths

"_I don't want to hurt you Paul. I never wanted to hurt you."_

He crumbled to his knees and hung his head low. "You're not real. You're just a hallucination" he whispered tears welling in his eyes.

"_You're hearing me Paul, not seeing me, and it is real"_

"It's not possible. It's just not possible" He slammed his fist down on the ground.

"_Taha Aki allows you to hear my voice Paul. He's says you're special"_

Instead of finding solace in her words he grew angry.

"Not special enough" He spat out "Not special enough to deserve you alive, and by my side." His anger once again giving away to his sadness and his pain. "Ask him what it is I did this time that was deserving of having you taken away from me."

"_My death wasn't about punishing you Paul, or anyone for that matter. It was my time… I didn't want to leave you… You must know that."_

"Then why did you?" His voice broke at the end, tears spilling down over his cheeks "What was the point in it, if not to punish me. This isn't right Bella. This empty feeling I have inside of me. It's so wrong. This is all wrong."

Her voice sounded small _"I know it is. I wish there was something I could tell you, something I could do to ease your pain… but Paul… I can tell you, it was all for a reason"_

"You can't tell me the reason can you?" he asked dejectedly

"_I love you Paul" _Her voice was farther away now and he knew it was the end of conversation.

"I love you too Bella. I miss you so much…" His voice wavered at the end and he let his tears flow freely once more.

The conversation left him feeling…_emptier. _She had said there was a reason for all this pain he felt, but no reason would ever be good enough for him. There was no reason any person or any God could give him that would be good enough to rectify this injustice. He couldn't believe that any God could have a good enough reason to take someone so perfect from this world. Someone who made everyone around her want to be a better person, just by being herself. She changed_ lives, _always for the better. Isn't that the kind of person they needed around here?

He picked apart every bit of their conversation, looking for some kind of clue, some hint to help him understand. He sat in his back yard for hours, and still came up with nothing. With a frustrated sigh he stood from his spot in the grass. He gathered his tools and returned them to his shed. He walked back to the table and picked it up, carrying it into the house to shelter it from the elements.

He walked to the bathroom and stripped down, throwing his clothes in the corner of the room, next to the overflowing hamper. He pulled back the shower curtain turned the knob for the hot water waited a moment and stepped in. The hot water soothed his aching neck and back, and he stood for a long time, his head resting against the tile the water running over his neck and down his back. He pressed one hand to the tiles and brought his other up and reached behind his head, moving it over his neck and shoulders, rubbing them, and trying to loosen the muscles. When the water started to turn cold he quickly washed his hair and body. He turned the water off and stepped out of the shower grabbed a towel and wrapped it loosely around his hips.

He grabbed a pair of cutoffs from his dresser and pulled them on before making his way to the living room. He plopped down on the couch and grabbed the remote from the table flipping on the TV. He flipped through the channels, nothing catching his interest so he settled for some sort of documentary, and he let his mind wander again.

FAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFA

He thought of Bella, of being with Bella, and how much he missed the feel of her wrapped in his arms. He reached his hand down to the front of his shorts, slowly unbuttoning and unzipping them. He slipped his hand down his shorts and grasped himself firmly. He stroked himself slowly at first, thinking of Bella, of holding her, kissing her and loving her. He moved his hand faster, as he thought of her body moving atop his her perky breasts bouncing slightly. He thought of her face as she reached her climax and how her body would seem to glow in the aftermath. He came with a cry of her name and tears spilled from his eyes. He wiped his hand on his shorts and took them the rest of the way off, throwing them to the side. His tears were falling fast now and he was struggling to hold back his sobs.

"It's not right." He whispered brokenly "It's not right… it's not right... it's not… it'll never be…_you_" His sobs were uncontrollable now and they spilled forth echoing loudly all around him.

FAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFA

A/N. What a terrible way to end the chapter huh? I have to admit I cried the entire time I was writing this. I hope y'all enjoyed it.

Let me know in a review!

Love to All!


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: So last chapter about killed me. It was really a rough one for me to write. This one wasn't much easier I'm afraid. Hope you all stick with me, I know this is an emotional ride, but I hope there is still some interest.

I'm posting this chapter ahead of schedule. Figured I'd give y'all 3 updates in one week, since I know I've missed a few.

Chapter 9

Paul awoke to his door slamming; he blinked his eyes and looked up from his spot on the couch to see Jared peering down at him. "What the fuck do you want?" Paul grumbled

"Get dressed and come eat some breakfast" He watched as Jared walked away and sat up. Too lazy to go to the bedroom he grabbed the blanket from the couch and wrapped it around his waist tying it in a knot. He walked to the kitchen slowly, still half asleep. He slumped into a chair and rested his head on the table.

"You look like shit" Jared commented in between mouthfuls of Fruit Loops "Want to talk about it?"

Paul just shook his head, still resting on the table.

"Well I'm going to talk then" Jared sat down his empty bowl of cereal. "Bella left me a letter for you"

Paul's head rose quickly and turned to stare at his friend. "Wh…WHAT?" he shouted at Jared. He stood quickly knocking his chair back in the process. "This is a sick fucking joke Jared" He said through clenched teeth, his hands balled into fists at his sides.

Jared held his hands up, a small envelope clutched in his right hand. "It's not a joke man. Two days before she died, she came over to hang out with Kim, before she left she gave me this envelope and told me that when the time was right, to give it to you. She said I'd know when that was. This morning I woke up, and I just…_ knew_ that today was the day I was meant to give it to you"

Paul's hand shook as he reached for the envelope. He touched it with his fingertips and a shiver ran down his spine. He took the small plain white envelope from Jared's hands and turned it over, and over in his hands. His knees shook and threatened to give out. Jared righted the fallen chair and pushed it up behind Paul just in time for him to fall into it, his breath leaving him in a whoosh.

"Did she say anything else?" His voice shook.

Jared smiled sadly "That's all she said"

"Can you give me a moment alone man?" Jared said nothing just simply walked to the other room and flicked on the TV.

Paul's hands shook terribly as he opened the envelope. His mouth went dry and his heart pounded in his ears. When he finally managed to get the letter from the envelope his hands stilled. He wasn't sure if he wanted to read it. "Fuck it" he mumbled. He unfolded the paper and his breath left him at the sight of her handwriting. It was real. Not some joke.

_My Dearest Paul,_

_ I'm not entirely sure how to write this, so I'll just start from the beginning, I suppose that's as good a place as any. Taha Aki visited me in my dreams last night; it's an experience I am having trouble describing, even to myself. But I woke up this morning knowing one thing for certain. I am going to die. Soon. _

_I don't want to leave you Paul. I hate the thought of leaving you alone, of abandoning you. It's what scares me the most. If there was some way I could prevent this, I swear I would. But, there's not._

_Please forgive me for not telling you. I know it's a selfish thing to do; I should have warned you and tried to prepare you. But I didn't want to spend my last few days with you, just waiting for death to find me. I wanted to spend my remaining time loving you, in every which way. I wanted the last moments you had with me to be memorable, full of love and just us._

_I know if you are reading this then I am already dead, and you are in pain. I am so sorry to have caused you pain Paul. It's something I swore I would never do. I'm so sorry to have broken my promise. _

_I want you to know that I cherish every moment I spent with you. I love you, and I'll leave this world loving you. You are the greatest man I have ever met, and I am so lucky that I got to call you mine. You are a beautiful person Paul Lahote, inside an out. You have been through more than anyone I know, and yet you still find it in yourself to love, and to care. _

_You gave me such a wonderful life Paul, and though our time together was short, it was made up of some of the best moments. I had such a fulfilling life and I can never thank you enough._

_I need you to know that if I had to do it all over again, I would choose you. _

_I love you so much Paul, with every fiber of my being. _

_Please don't give up._

_This isn't the end._

_For all of my days and beyond_

_ Yours,_

_Bella Marie Lahote_

_P.s. Don't give Jared too hard a time, if he doesn't give this to you right away. I told him to give it to you when the time was right. I love you. _

"Paul you need to breath man" Jared was grasping his shoulder firmly.

"I... don't… under…stand" He managed to say between uneven breaths. He held the letter out to Jared "Read it" He choked out. Jared took the letter from his outstretched hand and Paul watched as he read, noting when his brow furrowed in confusion at the end. "What the hell does it mean Jared?" he asked his friend, not really expecting an answer. Jared shook his head and handed it back to Paul.

"Maybe we should take it to the elders?" Jared said after a while.

"I'm not pack anymore Jared, they won't be concerned with some letter my dead wife left me"

Jared shook his head again. "You're _still_ pack Paul. Always will be, Bella too. I think they need to see this" he paused for a moment "If you don't want to talk to the elders you should at least take it to Sam and talk to him about it."

"Isn't he coming over in a little bit anyway?" Paul asked

"Yea, but we can cancel it if you don't feel up to it man. Everyone will understand."

Paul stood from the chair, letter still grasped firmly in his hand. "No. Let them come over, I need a distraction. But ask Sam if he can stay over after the game." He walked down the hall and opened the door to his bedroom. He walked in slamming his door shut behind him, set the letter on his dresser and untied the blanket around his waist grabbing a pair of black denim cutoffs from the drawer pulling them on and fastening them quickly. He walked his way into his bathroom and turned the sink on, washing his hands thoroughly, and then splashing water on his face.

He looked up into the mirror "Now what?" he asked his reflection, taking note of the bags under his bloodshot eyes.

"Boys are here" he heard Jared shout before his front door slammed open.

He looked at himself in the mirror once more and then left the bathroom. He paused at his bedroom door and sighed. This was going to be one rough game.

A/N: Not sure why this was so rough for me to write, but it was. I hope you all liked it. I would really love to hear from you. Leave a review or PM me your thoughts on the story, where you think it is headed, or where you want it to head.

Love to All!


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